Saturday, February 9, 2013

Wanna See?

 The girl on the left is my sister, Lacie. That's me on the right. We have both gone through a lot of hardships. Some of them we don't necessarily talk about. We just know. Sometimes when you get to unburying things that have been buried for a reason it's not always good to dig them up. Well, that's how it is for Lacie and I. We just know. There are questions that are never answered because we don't ask to know. We know that it's not good. It's all in the matter of the outcome of where we are NOW. 

We can be a type of people of where happiness and respect is a must. My sister is more of a forgiving kind of person. I can't forgive so easily. It's not in my nature of doing so. When Lacie forgives, it's known through words. When I forgive, it's known through silence and actions. 

Within that picture was when I decided to go see my sister on a day we both had off. She lives probably about 30 minutes away. Between her and I, I have the more reliable car. I was also working as a photographer for PictureMe Portrait Studios. (Don't ask me how I like the company. I have good things and bad things to say of it) I was also going to college. My sister was working at a nursing home as a CNA and she was also going to college. Difference? I lived at home with my dog. She lived with a bunch of roommates. It's true that when girls get together long enough they build a sense of telekinesis and all that jazz. From far apart we can sometimes tell when someone is under stress or whatever. It's kind of kewl. Having someone that is on the same level as you makes things a lot easier to understand. There were a lot of times where we would walk out of our house wearing the same thing. No Joke. There was probably one day that it was planned. Other than that it was really crazy. For instance, in that picture up there?

Band shirts, black hats, waved hair, jeans, and converse. 

We are so damn KEWL! that even her other two roommates grouped up with us and wore the same thing. Except our friend, Brandi. She didn't have any converse. We went out shopping to get her some. 

That's ALL of us. Me, Lacie, Shaquila, and Brandi. Excuse the white little snowman on the mirror. They decorate their huge bathroom mirror for every holiday. Get enough estrogen in the air and have enough females confined in one area for too long, it's bound and determined for something to happen. Haven't known anyone not to have anything happen. Unless your Lacie and I. We knew when to give each other space. She was probably the best roommate ever. They are all pretty kewl girls to have around. 

See? There's us again matching without even trying. Except Lacie caught me when I was in the middle of doing my hair and make up. We were in our hotel room with a friend. I believe I found out I was pregnant that day. I haven't said anything yet until we reached to our Aunt's house. Lacie was the first person I told. 

These pictures were before I was pregnant. I had always had a hookah and when Lacie turned 19 she wanted one of her own. She didn't know much about them so I helped her out. Since we weren't allowed to smoke in her apartment, we decided to hotbox her car. It was a really fun night. Minus some guy dumped his beer on us on purpose. That was her pretty little purple Hookah that was propped up on a green bucket over her stick shift. To hold it in place was the driver seat and the passenger seat.

Excuse us for looking like shit. We stayed up for way too long. I took Lacie down to one town where I grew up. It was the first step of becoming a better person for me. So it meant a lot to me to take her there to see some of the great friends that I had made. There were a lot of people around.

We both wore our cut up sleeveless shirts that we did last summer. Hair down. Our letter necklaces. Difference? I wore a hat to kind of cover up my bed head that I had goin on. We were dragging our asses to be home. We weren't ready yet, but we did eventually. With the both of us together, we always had fun one way or another. I love my sister!

Well, I think that's enough for tonight. I need sleep.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I was thinking today about my family. Everyone is in a calm before the storm. My dad went out into the garage and around the house straightening things up and putting them where they belong. He didn't even say a single word. My step grandfather has been outside doing this and that without saying a word unless he has to. My grandmother has been super sweet, too sweet. My great grandmother hasn't really bothered me about anything at all like she normally would. My grandfather has been real quiet too. He's usually asking me to do a lot more things for him, but he hasn't. He offered to do the laundry for me.

Everyone is just calm. To be honest. I want everything the way it is to stay. Except being able to open up the windows to have fresh air in the house would be the cherry of it all.

Yet, I think my family might have an idea that something might be wrong. More like my dad has an idea of what might be wrong. I am going to drop the bomb.

Although I feel that there might be something else. Something that is going to be really good. I am more excited and happy about it. With every uphill there is a down and vise versa. I think I have to go down before I can reach to see what might be so good up ahead.

I keep thinking of the worse, but the more I think of it the more I get no more ideas of how it could be worse. All I can think about is relief and hope. Happiness.

It blows my mind to think when little one comes along, it will be seen and held by its grandpa, great grandpa, great step grandpa, great grandma, and great great grandma. It certainly shocks the hell out of me. Then I get brought back to... I am real young. None the less, there will be so many generations underneath one roof. I have only met two great grandmothers and one great grandfather. Little one will have not only have four great's but one great great.

It's... Great.

A lot of generations. I was the first one in, in my generation. Now I will also be the first one to have kids too. First in. First out. TA DA! Guess no one ever thought I would be cooking!!!!

Coda isn't around. I keep having a feeling he's right there. It feels nice to have that feeling when I am up and around the house. Feels like he will be here any moment or he's just in the bathroom or something. I really don't want to leave the house because I feel that I might lose that feeling of him being around. It gives me a sense of security. Especially if I am going to have to tell my dad alone. My dad does have a temper, but I still don't know how he will take it. It's not like his baby girl has a baby every day, ya know?

I suck.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Walk Away

I took Coda to the airport early this morning and watched him walk away. He won't be back for five months because he's going into basic training. Five months. I really don't know if I would think it would go by fast or drag on. I guess I will see when the days start rolling by. When he walked away I tried my hardest not to cry. He will be back right? Of course. I feel like I am being left alone out over here.

His family knows about the baby now too. Coda decided to tell them before he left. His mom is hanging in there, but his dad is happy. I felt a little odd. I don't know how to explain it. Coda sounded a bit selfish and was avoiding whatever his mom said. She was being really serious and having a kid is a serious matter. Even his dad got into it with him about not being selfish and actually think about the baby. I keep telling people it's not going to be like a doll house where it's going to be easy. These people were thinking about having kids but they treat it as if it's such a light matter. They aren't really planning for anything for when it comes. They have no idea! I took care of my cousin and my best friends daughter. I even baby sat a lot of kids before. In all reality it is hard. Now, I am going to be a parent. I feel that Coda is really taking this lightly.

Knowing him. I know the baby is going to get him stressed out sometimes. Things will be tense for awhile. With his mom knowing though also takes a little bit off my shoulders. I don't know where to really start and she does. With her guidance will help me out a lot. Despite of what Coda says I have no reason to not respect or trust her. I have a feeling that Coda thinks it's easy because he's not the one having the baby or maybe it really hasn't kicked in that this is serious. He hasn't gotten his wake up call.

So much has been going through my mind. I don't know how my grandparents are going to take it. I don't know if I am going to be able to stay here any more. I just don't know. That's what's bothering me. I need to know. Bad or good. I have to say something to have an idea so I can really plan. Plan on if it's finally time to move with my sister or something. Insurance. Another job. Plans on school. Everything. I am use to having my summer open and have vague ideas of what I want to do. I just don't know when I want to do them. Now, I really have to put forth in planning and getting an idea of what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and how it's going to be done. Coda isn't a good planner or good with money. I have been blessed with my father's skill of good planning and my mother's skill of making a penny scream.

I am preparing for anything to happen. I want to give the little one what it deserves and be ready. I don't have time to sit around and fumble the ball.

I gotta do it. It's driving me so darn crazy. I feel as a parent that I have to pretty much. Grow the Hell Up.

Ready to hear a crazy story?

I was in the mall with my sister and friends down south for a day. We were hanging about checking stuff out. I had to go potty. I went to the bathroom and I see this little boy trying so hard to reach to the faucet to wash the peanut butter off his hands. I looked around to see a mom, but no one else was in the bathroom except me and no one was waiting outside except my friends. I thought, "Shit. I will just help him out. Not like I am going to hurt him right?" I asked him if he needed some help. With his cute little brown eyes he says yeaaaaah. I propped him up on my knee. Helped him scrub off peanut butter off his hand and even got the dirt from underneath his nails. We were playing around with the hand dryer just to get him to laugh. Then I asked him where his mom was. (I also noticed he had a bunch of red sticky stuff around his mouth so I was wetting down a paper towel to wipe his face while he talked) He told me he didn't know where his mommy was. Little man started acting like he needed to go potty too. I helped him go potty and I pottied myself. We washed our hands again and went out of the bathroom. I had hopes that maybe his mom was just waiting outside. Nope. No one was there except my sister and friends. Little guy had no idea where his mom was or anything. She just told him to go wash his hands. After a few minutes of waiting, there were three ladies that had slutted up. Literally. SHORT skirts, really tall heels, and a really low cut shirt that went passed their belly button. You can see majority of their boobs just not nips. I would have never thought one of those girls was his mom! She goes to walk by and I asked if they seen him with his mom. The girl in the middle says, " I didn't even notice he was gone."

(My inner Demon wanted to punch the hell out of this lady)

This girl's friends just shrugged their shoulders and just said to hurry up. Like fucking really? I was probably better off calling the cops. If I didn't get her attention she would have walked by without batting an eyelash. Can you fucking believe that shit?! Damn. Mothers should be classy with respect. Show what a woman should be like and how she should be treated.

This? This is bullshit.

I just don't understand.