Down With The SICKNESS

Literally, I am getting down with the sickness. I had now officially acquired what everyone else have. It's this Flu. I don't mean to gross out anyone, but it is what it is and I grew up with a father who has been in the medical field for all of his life.

This Flu junk pretty much gives you the shits and/ or vomit. It's viral. My father has worked in Vegas for YEARS! His hospital and every other hospital in Vegas went on to Internal Disaster. When a hospital goes into Internal Disaster that means that the hospital has every bed filled. Although when an ambulance shows up the hospital can't turn away the patient. Any ways, all of the hospitals have gone into internal disaster and were still getting more patients. Most of these patients had came down with the sickness. After working with these patients for three weeks, my dad had acquired it.

Now, my dad had gotten it and he brought it home. Here's the fun part. When someone has something that's viral it usually transfers in so many easy ways that no one really expects. Such as, from glasses/ cups that haven't been washed properly, the bathroom, and/or almost anything. Now if these things do not get cleaned properly it lingers.

It lingers around for awhile till someone gets it. Well this crap got to my grandfather a week later. Within twelve of hours I had gotten it, my boyfriend did, and my step grandfather. Since now it has infected more it's easier to spread and it takes less time. Especially to people who are in a confined space for awhile. The next few hours my great grandmother gotten it along with my grandmother.

I am telling you what. This stuff is such a pain in the ass. It starts off as if you have an upset stomach from eating something. Within moments of that, you vomit. Now from here it all depends on the person. Usually people who have came down with the stuff vomit a few times first then have diarrhea. Now if you were me, you just vomit.

Recomendations from someone who has taken a few medical classes and grew up around the medical field. If you are all ready vomiting and can't hold down anything (depending on age, weight, height) take eight milligrams of Zofran or the generic stuff is just as good. Although when you take the stuff, please set it under your tongue and let the pill dissolve (that way you won't taste that crap and it will get into your system faster when you swallow without getting too sick). You will be doing yourself a favor. If you aren't having a hard time keeping down things, but your stomach feels as if it's talking up a storm take about four milligrams of Zofran. (Depending on age, weight, height)

This shit will find a way around to everyone. Bare with yourself.

Back to sipping on warm mint tea (it's a natural stomach relaxer)

How Bout Them Dreams?

I finally had remembered what my dream was last night and the one two days ago.

The one about two days ago involved Pirates, ships, water, my sister, a friend, and me being pissed off.

So it started out with me being in my new apartment. My friend, Chris, had came to visit and he was sleeping in the next room from mine. My sister was in the bathroom doing her hair or something. All of the sudden there was a girl who just came stomping around in my house, yelling, and slamming the front door. She was here to cuss out Chris about something. She wanted her stuff back. My sister being my sweet sister, came out to tell her to maybe take it down a few notches because I was sleeping and if I woke up I would be pissed off. The girl decided to blow off my sister's words of wisdom. That girl called my sister a bitch. I don't like having someone disrespect my sister or me under my own damn roof. Who died and made her Queen Victoria? I calmly walked out of my room asked her politely to leave. Instead of pulling her head out of her fourth point of contact, she decided to try to slap me. I decked her and she had fallen on her ass. I grabbed that betch by her damn hair to take out the damn trash. I ranted on about respect, how I didn't really care about what went down between her and Chris, how she was childish, etc. I dragged her out the door. When I had opened the door there was another guy who was there with his truck to move her stuff. I told him to find a better friend, she's white trash. I let go of her hair as I reached the gravel to the parking lot. The girl complained of whatever high schooler girls complain about after getting their ass kicked.

I went back inside and my baby was crying in the bedroom. After I took care of little one and her daddy came to pick her up to go to the park. My sister and I got ready for the day. Leaving Chris. (He had done something to make my sister mad. I wasn't necessarily fond of how he had allowed that girl to come over to my house. He gave that dumb girl my address.) Next thing I know I am on a ship. All of the roads turned into rivers leading out into oceans. We were going to war. The captain had noticed there was a serpent circling us under water. Captain told me to go stand out in water. first thought that popped into my head was, "You don't give a shit about your crew. Awesome." I jumped out into the water. Next thing I know I had a boat rise from right under my feet. The serpent still circled the ship meaning that there is a specific someone that it wants to eat. All of the sudden the boat had somewhat stay afloat but I had water up to my knees. I looked around and noticed something towards this valley of rock. There was a sudden pulsing urge to go there. The boat was guiding me to land. When I had reached land I couldn't help but notice the sand. How it was clinging to my wet clothes and how it was warm for being out in the sun all day.

Then I sprung awake because being pregnant means you have to pee a lot.

My dream last night was short. I was getting married. Not a lot of people knew. Coda and I knew our families weren't going to be so happy about it. My father somehow figured it out and had brought both families together. They were somewhat upset at the fact we were going with this no matter what because we loved each other so much. Except during the wait there was a storm. I remember a few odd people that seemed... Odd. In my gut I felt I wasn't prepared to face these people as my family too. It was like a clown that kept bursting out of the shadows and laugh at me. It scared me. As the storm came in it slowly turned the sky so black it felt like it was night. When it happened I watched it through a big window. The power had gone out and we lit some candles. Coda and I wanted to wait for it to pass through so we can get married under a beautiful blue sky or under the stars and moon.

There was this one man who was there. He seemed very unusual. As if he wasn't exactly suppose to be there. Yet he kept in the shadows where people didn't notice at all. The only time he would come out was when I was close. I knew somehow he was fascinated with me. He tried a lot of things to really frighten me, but I stood still with a blank poker face. Then he thought I would be fun to play with. Since, I am so good at it. Instead of listening to his crazy gestures which sounded like he was a killer, I simply turned away to go back to looking out the big window. I felt like my own little Alice in my own spooky wonderland.

Next thing I know I am awake, wanting clam chowder or tomato soup. Off I go to the STORE!

Dreams Gone Wild

Lately I have had some wacky dreams that feel they are so out of this world. Last night I had a dream that I was in this wretched old house that I couldn't stand. These two disgusting ladies treated me like shit. I was their servant I guess. Then one night I decided I didn't need this shit. Little me went out into the neighbor hood, walking around, finding somewhere else to go. Of course, I get caught.

(Here's the wacky part)

I ended up in this large building. There were people a bit bigger than me. The place looked like it was ran by witches and warlocks mostly, but I knew there were other things that were there too. I just never saw them. There were these desks that lined up in a row with a divider to each of them in the middle of the main office. I guess I was a big trouble maker, because I got sat up in the very front. They chained me around my neck, wrists, and ankles. I remember there was one girl who sat behind me. I looked over my shoulder... I noticed I had wings. So did the girl behind me. It had all clicked. I was a fariy and fairies were meant to be slaves.

The people that had strapped me down forgot to search me and also they forgot to make sure the chains were tight. My hands and feet slipped right through and I used this little magic wand to take off the chain around my neck. The girl behind me did the same thing. One gentleman who was a warlock was watching us like hawks, but he was on our side. He gave us these blankets that were meant for fairies that make us invisible.

The girl and I hauled ass across the room. Next thing we know we are in a training room for witches and warlocks. They sit down and are given a new lesson each day and they practice it in front of the grand witch. The girl and I were mistaken. Except out of everyone who learned the lesson, I did. I tried to stay cautious because Everyone can practically see I am a fairy. When I performed the lesson the best the witch looked down onto me.

Next thing I know I am going to college. I had room mates.

It was very crazy.

Sleep

I never really had set a genre that's my favorite. I like listening to stuff that has a good feel to it. I miss my sister a lot. We would sit and sing along to songs. As long as it was a good song, we would sing it if we knew it. People can tell that we have differences in how we grew up. For instance, music. This is my favorite to be honest, because I find it funny. If we were to turn on a country station, my sister would sing every song without missing a beat. Some songs on that station I don't have a clue about. Now if we change the station to rock, I can sing to each song that comes on. My sister wouldn't know a few songs. Shows how we are different clearly. Yet see the similarity. We love sining, dancing, and jamming out no matter where we are.

No matter where we stood in life, we have always found a way to where it matches up with itself. Our thing that seems to occur the most would be guys. Cannot count how many times we have had ups and downs.

Once upon a time, I was dating this guy that I fell for completely. Lacie, my sister, was also seeing someone that she really adored too. Then one day, out of the blue, my boyfriend broke my heart in a million pieces. Not long after, Lacie's boyfriend did the same to her. Now here's the difference. When my boyfriend and I broke up, he wanted to be friends. In order for me to accomplish that, I would have to stop talking to him for awhile to pull myself together to view him as a friend. Lacie and her ex boyfriend tried to talk to each other and be friends. That didn't go very well. I knew well enough that he needed to leave my sister be. Give her some time to heal. I guess I didn't know what I was talking about. To this day Lacie doesn't really like talking to him. Lesson learned.

Life is just an ever lasting joke.

Now, for sleep.

I promise... I'm not dead!

Days... Each day that passes by, I have a feeling of pressure. With that pressure, I am:

1. Pregnant. (probably a huge factor by chance)
2. Living in a house full of (if you take offense to this then it's you're fault for getting offended) Old People
3. Job is still on my 'To Do' List.
4. I have a raging headache that. Won't. Go. AWAY!
5. In a way. I feel lonely.

I am taking on this baby! I have baby names picked out. Well, all of the important shin digs for when little one decides to see real sunshine instead of having images in my head. Although, my ex, Coda, will be going to boot camp for awhile. We are both worried about if something happens and no one is there. I try not to live by the "if" and "but." Coda does. I am a Niendorf. I am naturally a strong girl. I can take it all on full force with out blinking or breaking a sweat. It's still stress though. Mostly for Coda. I don't want him away and worried. That? Gets ME worried.

No offense to my elders, but lately I have been getting treated like shit. I do not appreciate it what so ever. My grandmother and great grandmother are two peas in a pod. No doubt about it. I never really called them a bad name in my entire life. Family is family. Through bad and good. You accept, because that's what family does right? I usually forgive and let go. No sense of holding grudges right? HAHA
My grandmother, Grandma, and great grandmother, Granny B, are some special people. They certainly love talking smack on everyone. I do mean everyone. Family is included. I have never done this before, I do feel childish, but may I use my right to vent? These two women are bitches.


I said it. I said it. Bitches.

I have so many stories to tell from since I was a child. That is all too much for me to really type. I am afraid I will bore the hell out of people. I am cutting the bullshit. They have lost respect from me after 21 years. I have never felt so shitty. I wish I could respect them just like I did before. Bite my lip, take the ass chewing (even if I am innocent), and move along with my business. Mind my P's and Q's.

Not this time though. Having these two women live in the same house is a nightmare. When I wake up, all I ever want to do is sit some where in peace. RELAX. I have some tendencies of taking my dog and I out and about. We won't come back home till about 12 at night when everyone is in bed. My step grandfather, God Bless is Soul!, he knows enough to leave me be if they haven't heard a word from me since I walked out the door for whatever reason. My father? Same way. He's my best friend really. He knows me better than anyone else I know. He can know what's wrong without even asking. Seriously, I have never noticed but if something in particular is bothering me I tend to have the luck of how my life miraculously finds ways to remind me of what's been going on. Such as, my pregnancy. No matter where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing I would have seen a baby picture, or anything relating to pregnancy.

I am so dang tired of this shit. I have a sense of feeling that it is now time to move, but I have guilt wash over me. I haven't figured out why.

Opinion

Have you seen those people where when you talk to them it's usually the same thing over and over and over?

For instance.

Young, Caucasian, Male. Has two kids, twins. The mother is supposedly a bitch and has taken the kids away from him. He can't stay in a residence for more than 3 months along with a job.
Now, he makes multiple comments of how he misses his kids, their mother is a whore, women are terrible, and falls 'in love' with every girl that brings him any attention. Might I also add that I personally know him and he became a liar within 5 minutes of me meeting him. Ever since I have talked and watched him. He has kept himself within a cycle. This man/ guy/ boy takes advice as criticism. Of course, I don't advise him to do anything to help his situation that he's in. Why? For the simple fact of someone like him who can't take a hand when he needs help. I can't help but wonder of why that is. He makes multiple of goals and plans. Never sticks to them to help his situation.

He's like a Drama Queen. I haven't seen such behavior since high school.

I am only telling you all this for the mere fact of... These are the kind of people that I see that are growing.

I see people that are ill educated. Now it does bother me to see and ask who first signed the Constitution. Mind you these people are staring at me dumbfounded! History has made mistakes for us to learn from them. If we repeat the mistake... Well, in my book that's considered a fuck up.

Yes! Love your kids. Yes! Vent sometimes. Yes! Feeling sad and angry is ok.

It's all in the matter of how you do so! If you love your kids so much... Don't squeeze them to death. Go ahead and vent, but don't take your anger and frustration out on someone who doesn't deserve it or vent so much that it starts sounding like whining. Be sad and angry, just don't let it out by cutting, starting fights, revenge.

After a thought or two. People are a product of their environment, but are given choices. People can be from a ran down neighborhood where there were gangs shooting up the block, but they sometimes grow up. They're now in college and working a full time job. They've earned scholarships. They've acquired friends that are just as ambitious. Sometimes, those people are running a gang themselves. Been arrested a few times and doing/ dealing drugs.

Everyone in one way, have been given experiences. There's no order to how we experience them. Sometimes we like to think we do. It's all just guide lines really. Sometimes those experiences can be either in third person, second hand, or maybe first handed. Either way we are faced with challenges, in one aspect or another. It's all in the matter of what do we decide on.

Our choices.

Quick

Making a quick post.

I am sick. Awesome right? *sarcasm* Luckily my ex has been such a HUGE help! I am very grateful to have him around again. He does a lot of things for me and he has done a lot of things for me. Most of them I never ask. He just does it. Lucky? Yes I am. Except for why he left me in the first place. Ugh. Yet you never know what you have until it's gone. Well I made it very abundantly clear that I wasn't going to come back for awhile after that reason of why he left me.

"He didn't care about me."

That was the reason. He gave me a call, because at the time I was in Denver. I was so close of just staying there. Any ways, he had sounded so worried and scared. Me being me, I tend to keep things light, simple, with no argumentation. Especially over a phone with an ex. Be an adult. Let's not act like we are back in high school again. He finally grew a pair and simply asked me:

"Did I fuck it up so bad that I can't have you back?"

This is the part that I asked him if he's sure he wants me back. Absolutely positive.

"Yes."

He said that without missing a beat.

Then I dropped the bomb on him.

I've Been Thinking

Here goes.

I have had a few boyfriends. They all, so far, have ended up me breaking up with them or vise versa. Either way. I had something brought to my attention. They have all came back, whether or not I left them.

Why?

If I am worth it, then why can't the guy stay with me the FIRST time?

Is that so damn hard? Does a guy really have to lose me to see what they had?

Heart breaks. Tears. Time Alone. My Favorite Movies. My Favorite Foods. Sweatpants.

Ya know? The whole shin dig of a typical young female going through a heart break.

I have only loved one guy. Not any kind of love, but that unconditional love. The stuff that comes in limited time only or more like finding a unicorn through a forest. I loved this man so much that when he wanted to leave, I found it in myself to let go and be there for when he ever came back. Sure 'nuff. He came back. We were happier than ever before. Of course this fairytale of mine had to end with finding out he cheated on me and lied. Once again, I loved him so much that I didn't want him to hang onto something that wasn't there. I couldn't trust him any more. The trust was completely gone, but some how I found to love him still. I was able to forgive in some sort of fashion. I left him.

It has been two years since all of that has happened. When I talk to him. He acts as if I am going to come back. Yet I don't think I love him that way any more. Actually, thinking about him makes me gag. Scratch that. Every guy has been making want to gag.

No offense to the other men that have done me no harm. I am a young, female, who has been knocked up. Men haven't been the greatest to me through this pregnancy so far. Except for my ex.... Kind of.

He's the baby's padre. I told him after he told me that he wanted me back.

A lot of people told me to tell him a long time ago. I was pretty convinced that if the guy doesn't care about me then, why would he care about me now? I didn't want to be one of those mom's where the baby's dad was unhappy with what's going on. I don't want him to feel as if he's "stuck." That kind of stress and relationship wouldn't be a good example for the little one to stand by. I didn't want that for the baby to feel as if it's their fault why dad isn't happy either. I certainly was not going to bad mouth their dad. I believe that when the day comes, the little one should make their OWN opinion of their dad. Not be based off of things that he has done to me. I want to give my ex the opportunity of being a good dad.

My parents taught me that. Which I am grateful for. I have seen many kids have so much anger inside of them from their parents dogging on each other and it's all a great big mess. The kids usually feel as if a side of them is bad because their dad is a prick or their mom is a whore.

I am proud to say I have made my own opinion of my mom. Even if she did leave me, it was for the better. I no longer saw my parents be unhappy, I no longer saw my mom's tears fall, or saw my dad's temper burst like a wild fire. I got to see them happy. With or without me. I saw my mother love and her heart break which taught me something. She did love again. I have seen the same for my dad. I have been with my dad through so many hardships, happy moments. He's taught me a lot of how to be happy. Where money is just something that is in a way of life. To have a roof over your head, food, water. Yet money can't always buy the happiest of moments.

My dad gave me money for my birthday. I saw a pretty kewl Barbie, yet I wanted to learn how to make friendship bracelets. My dad helped me out with my decision.

"You can either have one barbie doll or you can have 30 bracelets that you have personally made all by yourself. You can even give your friends bracelets."

I chose the bracelet idea. Michaels became my store of choosing. If they sold groceries there... I would be happy as ever could be. Dad and I spent a lot of moments just sitting out by a fire, making some pretty damn kewl friendship bracelets.

Off to go settle myself down to watch my show and make some.

Where?

With my new addition of my family, I haven't really gotten a clue as to where to start with myself. My family has no idea about the little one. My family still are stuck in that void that I am 16, yet here I am, standing tall with the age of being 20. Close to 21.

At first. I thought.

I am not doing this alone. I GOT THIS! I have my sister and my damn good friends. Yet after a month of this baby and them...

I felt more alone than I have ever really acknowledged. I try to give my friends the chance to try to understand, but I still feel that they haven't gotten the grasp. I noticed that when we try to talk, it sounds as if they are against me. I get lost for words when I try to talk to them about it, because they aren't helping me out and it breaks my heart to even be fighting with them.

All they question about still is and tell me that:

It's a big responsibility.
Have you understood that you are pregnant?
Do you plan on keeping the baby?
I don't think you should keep it.
You are starting to sound like you're going to try to keep it.

I feel like I am getting treated as a child. I already despise the place that I call home and now I am beginning to just shut myself off from everyone, because I am trying to have them understand where I am at and what I am thinking, but they stand over me as if they know what exactly I am feeling and thinking. Everything they say is right and I am wrong. Anything that I am doing is wrong. I do understand I have a big responsibility coming on. I have told them countless of times. All of it comes at me so fast. I am left dumbfounded. As if I know nothing of myself or my own ideas of what I even want or believe in. Something pulled ME out, leaving my body as if it was a stuffed little 'Keiko.' A dumb. Pregnant. Keiko.

With this going on, pasting a smile on my face for a family who doesn't understand the true meaning of family, behaving as if I am a child to a father who loses their temper, putting on a front of being strong for my friends.

Closed doors. Blinds shut. No one around and gone. I cry. I don't feel a bit sorry for myself. Not even a little. I just am emotionally exhausted from all the crap. I have tears full of wishful thinking and tears full of 'never going to happen.'

Plans have never been in my favor.

I am not trying to get myself to feel alone. I am more looking for someone that understands. Knows the feeling where you know you are not alone, but when it comes to having a complete understanding heart... where is that? Where do I even begin to proceed with myself? I am also trying to stay down low with the family.

Go to the doctors? Start putting a list together of baby shin digs? Baby names? How do I decide on whether to keep it or not? Is it too late? Am I going at this all wrong? Where can I go? How am I going to tell my family? When should I tell them? What if my boyfriend wants me back, even if he doesn't know about the baby yet? What am I suppose to do when I feel that I am going to have a miscarriage? Is that even normal? Am I just having strange nightmares?

Where am I?

Besides laying in bed and craving the hell out of pudding. Chocolate and vanilla pudding. Thank you Jello for mixing my favorites together.

Back Again

The past month has been nothing but travesty. It was one thing after another. For example...

I lost my best friend's daughter. I finally had made way to get her to move up with me, but I thought that as soon as she got up here she would be enrolled through school. This year was her Christmas with me. I thought she should go visit her grandparents and uncle. Well her uncle picked her up from the airport and on their way to the grandparents house... They got hit by a drunk driver. Killed my baby Angel and put her uncle into a coma. It's been a month now since it had happened.

A week later... My boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because he doesn't care about me.

After that, I had found out.... I am pregnant. With his baby.

Later I had to rush up north for my grandfather. He had cancer, again. As soon as I got there I had to rush him to the hospital. Luckily we found out what had gone wrong. He had to stay in the hospital for a little while. After rushing him to the hospital, I went back to the house. It was about six in the morning. I found his dog, Sable, acting funny. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. I had to force water and food down her. She finally settled down about seven in the morning. I fell asleep beside her for an hour. I got up and had let her out. Everything was fine. Within the few moments I had gone upstairs to blow dry my hair from the shower, she had died. I found her near where my grandfather would sit at the table. There was blood all over the floor. All I could do was drop to my knees and cry. I knew how much this dog had meant to my grandpa. Trying to find a way to tell him just broke my heart even more.

AFTER THAT! I found out that I was too late to apply for classes. I might not be able to go to college this spring semester.

Now. I am sitting here. Looking pale as a ghost because I feel sick ALL THE TIME! I can;t get up without feeling "I gotta puke."