I've Been Thinking

Here goes.

I have had a few boyfriends. They all, so far, have ended up me breaking up with them or vise versa. Either way. I had something brought to my attention. They have all came back, whether or not I left them.

Why?

If I am worth it, then why can't the guy stay with me the FIRST time?

Is that so damn hard? Does a guy really have to lose me to see what they had?

Heart breaks. Tears. Time Alone. My Favorite Movies. My Favorite Foods. Sweatpants.

Ya know? The whole shin dig of a typical young female going through a heart break.

I have only loved one guy. Not any kind of love, but that unconditional love. The stuff that comes in limited time only or more like finding a unicorn through a forest. I loved this man so much that when he wanted to leave, I found it in myself to let go and be there for when he ever came back. Sure 'nuff. He came back. We were happier than ever before. Of course this fairytale of mine had to end with finding out he cheated on me and lied. Once again, I loved him so much that I didn't want him to hang onto something that wasn't there. I couldn't trust him any more. The trust was completely gone, but some how I found to love him still. I was able to forgive in some sort of fashion. I left him.

It has been two years since all of that has happened. When I talk to him. He acts as if I am going to come back. Yet I don't think I love him that way any more. Actually, thinking about him makes me gag. Scratch that. Every guy has been making want to gag.

No offense to the other men that have done me no harm. I am a young, female, who has been knocked up. Men haven't been the greatest to me through this pregnancy so far. Except for my ex.... Kind of.

He's the baby's padre. I told him after he told me that he wanted me back.

A lot of people told me to tell him a long time ago. I was pretty convinced that if the guy doesn't care about me then, why would he care about me now? I didn't want to be one of those mom's where the baby's dad was unhappy with what's going on. I don't want him to feel as if he's "stuck." That kind of stress and relationship wouldn't be a good example for the little one to stand by. I didn't want that for the baby to feel as if it's their fault why dad isn't happy either. I certainly was not going to bad mouth their dad. I believe that when the day comes, the little one should make their OWN opinion of their dad. Not be based off of things that he has done to me. I want to give my ex the opportunity of being a good dad.

My parents taught me that. Which I am grateful for. I have seen many kids have so much anger inside of them from their parents dogging on each other and it's all a great big mess. The kids usually feel as if a side of them is bad because their dad is a prick or their mom is a whore.

I am proud to say I have made my own opinion of my mom. Even if she did leave me, it was for the better. I no longer saw my parents be unhappy, I no longer saw my mom's tears fall, or saw my dad's temper burst like a wild fire. I got to see them happy. With or without me. I saw my mother love and her heart break which taught me something. She did love again. I have seen the same for my dad. I have been with my dad through so many hardships, happy moments. He's taught me a lot of how to be happy. Where money is just something that is in a way of life. To have a roof over your head, food, water. Yet money can't always buy the happiest of moments.

My dad gave me money for my birthday. I saw a pretty kewl Barbie, yet I wanted to learn how to make friendship bracelets. My dad helped me out with my decision.

"You can either have one barbie doll or you can have 30 bracelets that you have personally made all by yourself. You can even give your friends bracelets."

I chose the bracelet idea. Michaels became my store of choosing. If they sold groceries there... I would be happy as ever could be. Dad and I spent a lot of moments just sitting out by a fire, making some pretty damn kewl friendship bracelets.

Off to go settle myself down to watch my show and make some.