Saturday, February 9, 2013

Wanna See?

 The girl on the left is my sister, Lacie. That's me on the right. We have both gone through a lot of hardships. Some of them we don't necessarily talk about. We just know. Sometimes when you get to unburying things that have been buried for a reason it's not always good to dig them up. Well, that's how it is for Lacie and I. We just know. There are questions that are never answered because we don't ask to know. We know that it's not good. It's all in the matter of the outcome of where we are NOW. 

We can be a type of people of where happiness and respect is a must. My sister is more of a forgiving kind of person. I can't forgive so easily. It's not in my nature of doing so. When Lacie forgives, it's known through words. When I forgive, it's known through silence and actions. 

Within that picture was when I decided to go see my sister on a day we both had off. She lives probably about 30 minutes away. Between her and I, I have the more reliable car. I was also working as a photographer for PictureMe Portrait Studios. (Don't ask me how I like the company. I have good things and bad things to say of it) I was also going to college. My sister was working at a nursing home as a CNA and she was also going to college. Difference? I lived at home with my dog. She lived with a bunch of roommates. It's true that when girls get together long enough they build a sense of telekinesis and all that jazz. From far apart we can sometimes tell when someone is under stress or whatever. It's kind of kewl. Having someone that is on the same level as you makes things a lot easier to understand. There were a lot of times where we would walk out of our house wearing the same thing. No Joke. There was probably one day that it was planned. Other than that it was really crazy. For instance, in that picture up there?

Band shirts, black hats, waved hair, jeans, and converse. 

We are so damn KEWL! that even her other two roommates grouped up with us and wore the same thing. Except our friend, Brandi. She didn't have any converse. We went out shopping to get her some. 

That's ALL of us. Me, Lacie, Shaquila, and Brandi. Excuse the white little snowman on the mirror. They decorate their huge bathroom mirror for every holiday. Get enough estrogen in the air and have enough females confined in one area for too long, it's bound and determined for something to happen. Haven't known anyone not to have anything happen. Unless your Lacie and I. We knew when to give each other space. She was probably the best roommate ever. They are all pretty kewl girls to have around. 

See? There's us again matching without even trying. Except Lacie caught me when I was in the middle of doing my hair and make up. We were in our hotel room with a friend. I believe I found out I was pregnant that day. I haven't said anything yet until we reached to our Aunt's house. Lacie was the first person I told. 

These pictures were before I was pregnant. I had always had a hookah and when Lacie turned 19 she wanted one of her own. She didn't know much about them so I helped her out. Since we weren't allowed to smoke in her apartment, we decided to hotbox her car. It was a really fun night. Minus some guy dumped his beer on us on purpose. That was her pretty little purple Hookah that was propped up on a green bucket over her stick shift. To hold it in place was the driver seat and the passenger seat.

Excuse us for looking like shit. We stayed up for way too long. I took Lacie down to one town where I grew up. It was the first step of becoming a better person for me. So it meant a lot to me to take her there to see some of the great friends that I had made. There were a lot of people around.

We both wore our cut up sleeveless shirts that we did last summer. Hair down. Our letter necklaces. Difference? I wore a hat to kind of cover up my bed head that I had goin on. We were dragging our asses to be home. We weren't ready yet, but we did eventually. With the both of us together, we always had fun one way or another. I love my sister!

Well, I think that's enough for tonight. I need sleep.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I was thinking today about my family. Everyone is in a calm before the storm. My dad went out into the garage and around the house straightening things up and putting them where they belong. He didn't even say a single word. My step grandfather has been outside doing this and that without saying a word unless he has to. My grandmother has been super sweet, too sweet. My great grandmother hasn't really bothered me about anything at all like she normally would. My grandfather has been real quiet too. He's usually asking me to do a lot more things for him, but he hasn't. He offered to do the laundry for me.

Everyone is just calm. To be honest. I want everything the way it is to stay. Except being able to open up the windows to have fresh air in the house would be the cherry of it all.

Yet, I think my family might have an idea that something might be wrong. More like my dad has an idea of what might be wrong. I am going to drop the bomb.

Although I feel that there might be something else. Something that is going to be really good. I am more excited and happy about it. With every uphill there is a down and vise versa. I think I have to go down before I can reach to see what might be so good up ahead.

I keep thinking of the worse, but the more I think of it the more I get no more ideas of how it could be worse. All I can think about is relief and hope. Happiness.

It blows my mind to think when little one comes along, it will be seen and held by its grandpa, great grandpa, great step grandpa, great grandma, and great great grandma. It certainly shocks the hell out of me. Then I get brought back to... I am real young. None the less, there will be so many generations underneath one roof. I have only met two great grandmothers and one great grandfather. Little one will have not only have four great's but one great great.

It's... Great.

A lot of generations. I was the first one in, in my generation. Now I will also be the first one to have kids too. First in. First out. TA DA! Guess no one ever thought I would be cooking!!!!

Coda isn't around. I keep having a feeling he's right there. It feels nice to have that feeling when I am up and around the house. Feels like he will be here any moment or he's just in the bathroom or something. I really don't want to leave the house because I feel that I might lose that feeling of him being around. It gives me a sense of security. Especially if I am going to have to tell my dad alone. My dad does have a temper, but I still don't know how he will take it. It's not like his baby girl has a baby every day, ya know?

I suck.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Walk Away

I took Coda to the airport early this morning and watched him walk away. He won't be back for five months because he's going into basic training. Five months. I really don't know if I would think it would go by fast or drag on. I guess I will see when the days start rolling by. When he walked away I tried my hardest not to cry. He will be back right? Of course. I feel like I am being left alone out over here.

His family knows about the baby now too. Coda decided to tell them before he left. His mom is hanging in there, but his dad is happy. I felt a little odd. I don't know how to explain it. Coda sounded a bit selfish and was avoiding whatever his mom said. She was being really serious and having a kid is a serious matter. Even his dad got into it with him about not being selfish and actually think about the baby. I keep telling people it's not going to be like a doll house where it's going to be easy. These people were thinking about having kids but they treat it as if it's such a light matter. They aren't really planning for anything for when it comes. They have no idea! I took care of my cousin and my best friends daughter. I even baby sat a lot of kids before. In all reality it is hard. Now, I am going to be a parent. I feel that Coda is really taking this lightly.

Knowing him. I know the baby is going to get him stressed out sometimes. Things will be tense for awhile. With his mom knowing though also takes a little bit off my shoulders. I don't know where to really start and she does. With her guidance will help me out a lot. Despite of what Coda says I have no reason to not respect or trust her. I have a feeling that Coda thinks it's easy because he's not the one having the baby or maybe it really hasn't kicked in that this is serious. He hasn't gotten his wake up call.

So much has been going through my mind. I don't know how my grandparents are going to take it. I don't know if I am going to be able to stay here any more. I just don't know. That's what's bothering me. I need to know. Bad or good. I have to say something to have an idea so I can really plan. Plan on if it's finally time to move with my sister or something. Insurance. Another job. Plans on school. Everything. I am use to having my summer open and have vague ideas of what I want to do. I just don't know when I want to do them. Now, I really have to put forth in planning and getting an idea of what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and how it's going to be done. Coda isn't a good planner or good with money. I have been blessed with my father's skill of good planning and my mother's skill of making a penny scream.

I am preparing for anything to happen. I want to give the little one what it deserves and be ready. I don't have time to sit around and fumble the ball.

I gotta do it. It's driving me so darn crazy. I feel as a parent that I have to pretty much. Grow the Hell Up.

Ready to hear a crazy story?

I was in the mall with my sister and friends down south for a day. We were hanging about checking stuff out. I had to go potty. I went to the bathroom and I see this little boy trying so hard to reach to the faucet to wash the peanut butter off his hands. I looked around to see a mom, but no one else was in the bathroom except me and no one was waiting outside except my friends. I thought, "Shit. I will just help him out. Not like I am going to hurt him right?" I asked him if he needed some help. With his cute little brown eyes he says yeaaaaah. I propped him up on my knee. Helped him scrub off peanut butter off his hand and even got the dirt from underneath his nails. We were playing around with the hand dryer just to get him to laugh. Then I asked him where his mom was. (I also noticed he had a bunch of red sticky stuff around his mouth so I was wetting down a paper towel to wipe his face while he talked) He told me he didn't know where his mommy was. Little man started acting like he needed to go potty too. I helped him go potty and I pottied myself. We washed our hands again and went out of the bathroom. I had hopes that maybe his mom was just waiting outside. Nope. No one was there except my sister and friends. Little guy had no idea where his mom was or anything. She just told him to go wash his hands. After a few minutes of waiting, there were three ladies that had slutted up. Literally. SHORT skirts, really tall heels, and a really low cut shirt that went passed their belly button. You can see majority of their boobs just not nips. I would have never thought one of those girls was his mom! She goes to walk by and I asked if they seen him with his mom. The girl in the middle says, " I didn't even notice he was gone."

(My inner Demon wanted to punch the hell out of this lady)

This girl's friends just shrugged their shoulders and just said to hurry up. Like fucking really? I was probably better off calling the cops. If I didn't get her attention she would have walked by without batting an eyelash. Can you fucking believe that shit?! Damn. Mothers should be classy with respect. Show what a woman should be like and how she should be treated.

This? This is bullshit.

I just don't understand.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Down With The SICKNESS

Literally, I am getting down with the sickness. I had now officially acquired what everyone else have. It's this Flu. I don't mean to gross out anyone, but it is what it is and I grew up with a father who has been in the medical field for all of his life.

This Flu junk pretty much gives you the shits and/ or vomit. It's viral. My father has worked in Vegas for YEARS! His hospital and every other hospital in Vegas went on to Internal Disaster. When a hospital goes into Internal Disaster that means that the hospital has every bed filled. Although when an ambulance shows up the hospital can't turn away the patient. Any ways, all of the hospitals have gone into internal disaster and were still getting more patients. Most of these patients had came down with the sickness. After working with these patients for three weeks, my dad had acquired it.

Now, my dad had gotten it and he brought it home. Here's the fun part. When someone has something that's viral it usually transfers in so many easy ways that no one really expects. Such as, from glasses/ cups that haven't been washed properly, the bathroom, and/or almost anything. Now if these things do not get cleaned properly it lingers.

It lingers around for awhile till someone gets it. Well this crap got to my grandfather a week later. Within twelve of hours I had gotten it, my boyfriend did, and my step grandfather. Since now it has infected more it's easier to spread and it takes less time. Especially to people who are in a confined space for awhile. The next few hours my great grandmother gotten it along with my grandmother.

I am telling you what. This stuff is such a pain in the ass. It starts off as if you have an upset stomach from eating something. Within moments of that, you vomit. Now from here it all depends on the person. Usually people who have came down with the stuff vomit a few times first then have diarrhea. Now if you were me, you just vomit.

Recomendations from someone who has taken a few medical classes and grew up around the medical field. If you are all ready vomiting and can't hold down anything (depending on age, weight, height) take eight milligrams of Zofran or the generic stuff is just as good. Although when you take the stuff, please set it under your tongue and let the pill dissolve (that way you won't taste that crap and it will get into your system faster when you swallow without getting too sick). You will be doing yourself a favor. If you aren't having a hard time keeping down things, but your stomach feels as if it's talking up a storm take about four milligrams of Zofran. (Depending on age, weight, height)

This shit will find a way around to everyone. Bare with yourself.

Back to sipping on warm mint tea (it's a natural stomach relaxer)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

How Bout Them Dreams?

I finally had remembered what my dream was last night and the one two days ago.

The one about two days ago involved Pirates, ships, water, my sister, a friend, and me being pissed off.

So it started out with me being in my new apartment. My friend, Chris, had came to visit and he was sleeping in the next room from mine. My sister was in the bathroom doing her hair or something. All of the sudden there was a girl who just came stomping around in my house, yelling, and slamming the front door. She was here to cuss out Chris about something. She wanted her stuff back. My sister being my sweet sister, came out to tell her to maybe take it down a few notches because I was sleeping and if I woke up I would be pissed off. The girl decided to blow off my sister's words of wisdom. That girl called my sister a bitch. I don't like having someone disrespect my sister or me under my own damn roof. Who died and made her Queen Victoria? I calmly walked out of my room asked her politely to leave. Instead of pulling her head out of her fourth point of contact, she decided to try to slap me. I decked her and she had fallen on her ass. I grabbed that betch by her damn hair to take out the damn trash. I ranted on about respect, how I didn't really care about what went down between her and Chris, how she was childish, etc. I dragged her out the door. When I had opened the door there was another guy who was there with his truck to move her stuff. I told him to find a better friend, she's white trash. I let go of her hair as I reached the gravel to the parking lot. The girl complained of whatever high schooler girls complain about after getting their ass kicked.

I went back inside and my baby was crying in the bedroom. After I took care of little one and her daddy came to pick her up to go to the park. My sister and I got ready for the day. Leaving Chris. (He had done something to make my sister mad. I wasn't necessarily fond of how he had allowed that girl to come over to my house. He gave that dumb girl my address.) Next thing I know I am on a ship. All of the roads turned into rivers leading out into oceans. We were going to war. The captain had noticed there was a serpent circling us under water. Captain told me to go stand out in water. first thought that popped into my head was, "You don't give a shit about your crew. Awesome." I jumped out into the water. Next thing I know I had a boat rise from right under my feet. The serpent still circled the ship meaning that there is a specific someone that it wants to eat. All of the sudden the boat had somewhat stay afloat but I had water up to my knees. I looked around and noticed something towards this valley of rock. There was a sudden pulsing urge to go there. The boat was guiding me to land. When I had reached land I couldn't help but notice the sand. How it was clinging to my wet clothes and how it was warm for being out in the sun all day.

Then I sprung awake because being pregnant means you have to pee a lot.

My dream last night was short. I was getting married. Not a lot of people knew. Coda and I knew our families weren't going to be so happy about it. My father somehow figured it out and had brought both families together. They were somewhat upset at the fact we were going with this no matter what because we loved each other so much. Except during the wait there was a storm. I remember a few odd people that seemed... Odd. In my gut I felt I wasn't prepared to face these people as my family too. It was like a clown that kept bursting out of the shadows and laugh at me. It scared me. As the storm came in it slowly turned the sky so black it felt like it was night. When it happened I watched it through a big window. The power had gone out and we lit some candles. Coda and I wanted to wait for it to pass through so we can get married under a beautiful blue sky or under the stars and moon.

There was this one man who was there. He seemed very unusual. As if he wasn't exactly suppose to be there. Yet he kept in the shadows where people didn't notice at all. The only time he would come out was when I was close. I knew somehow he was fascinated with me. He tried a lot of things to really frighten me, but I stood still with a blank poker face. Then he thought I would be fun to play with. Since, I am so good at it. Instead of listening to his crazy gestures which sounded like he was a killer, I simply turned away to go back to looking out the big window. I felt like my own little Alice in my own spooky wonderland.

Next thing I know I am awake, wanting clam chowder or tomato soup. Off I go to the STORE!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dreams Gone Wild

Lately I have had some wacky dreams that feel they are so out of this world. Last night I had a dream that I was in this wretched old house that I couldn't stand. These two disgusting ladies treated me like shit. I was their servant I guess. Then one night I decided I didn't need this shit. Little me went out into the neighbor hood, walking around, finding somewhere else to go. Of course, I get caught.

(Here's the wacky part)

I ended up in this large building. There were people a bit bigger than me. The place looked like it was ran by witches and warlocks mostly, but I knew there were other things that were there too. I just never saw them. There were these desks that lined up in a row with a divider to each of them in the middle of the main office. I guess I was a big trouble maker, because I got sat up in the very front. They chained me around my neck, wrists, and ankles. I remember there was one girl who sat behind me. I looked over my shoulder... I noticed I had wings. So did the girl behind me. It had all clicked. I was a fariy and fairies were meant to be slaves.

The people that had strapped me down forgot to search me and also they forgot to make sure the chains were tight. My hands and feet slipped right through and I used this little magic wand to take off the chain around my neck. The girl behind me did the same thing. One gentleman who was a warlock was watching us like hawks, but he was on our side. He gave us these blankets that were meant for fairies that make us invisible.

The girl and I hauled ass across the room. Next thing we know we are in a training room for witches and warlocks. They sit down and are given a new lesson each day and they practice it in front of the grand witch. The girl and I were mistaken. Except out of everyone who learned the lesson, I did. I tried to stay cautious because Everyone can practically see I am a fairy. When I performed the lesson the best the witch looked down onto me.

Next thing I know I am going to college. I had room mates.

It was very crazy.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


I never really had set a genre that's my favorite. I like listening to stuff that has a good feel to it. I miss my sister a lot. We would sit and sing along to songs. As long as it was a good song, we would sing it if we knew it. People can tell that we have differences in how we grew up. For instance, music. This is my favorite to be honest, because I find it funny. If we were to turn on a country station, my sister would sing every song without missing a beat. Some songs on that station I don't have a clue about. Now if we change the station to rock, I can sing to each song that comes on. My sister wouldn't know a few songs. Shows how we are different clearly. Yet see the similarity. We love sining, dancing, and jamming out no matter where we are.

No matter where we stood in life, we have always found a way to where it matches up with itself. Our thing that seems to occur the most would be guys. Cannot count how many times we have had ups and downs.

Once upon a time, I was dating this guy that I fell for completely. Lacie, my sister, was also seeing someone that she really adored too. Then one day, out of the blue, my boyfriend broke my heart in a million pieces. Not long after, Lacie's boyfriend did the same to her. Now here's the difference. When my boyfriend and I broke up, he wanted to be friends. In order for me to accomplish that, I would have to stop talking to him for awhile to pull myself together to view him as a friend. Lacie and her ex boyfriend tried to talk to each other and be friends. That didn't go very well. I knew well enough that he needed to leave my sister be. Give her some time to heal. I guess I didn't know what I was talking about. To this day Lacie doesn't really like talking to him. Lesson learned.

Life is just an ever lasting joke.

Now, for sleep.

I promise... I'm not dead!

Days... Each day that passes by, I have a feeling of pressure. With that pressure, I am:

1. Pregnant. (probably a huge factor by chance)
2. Living in a house full of (if you take offense to this then it's you're fault for getting offended) Old People
3. Job is still on my 'To Do' List.
4. I have a raging headache that. Won't. Go. AWAY!
5. In a way. I feel lonely.

I am taking on this baby! I have baby names picked out. Well, all of the important shin digs for when little one decides to see real sunshine instead of having images in my head. Although, my ex, Coda, will be going to boot camp for awhile. We are both worried about if something happens and no one is there. I try not to live by the "if" and "but." Coda does. I am a Niendorf. I am naturally a strong girl. I can take it all on full force with out blinking or breaking a sweat. It's still stress though. Mostly for Coda. I don't want him away and worried. That? Gets ME worried.

No offense to my elders, but lately I have been getting treated like shit. I do not appreciate it what so ever. My grandmother and great grandmother are two peas in a pod. No doubt about it. I never really called them a bad name in my entire life. Family is family. Through bad and good. You accept, because that's what family does right? I usually forgive and let go. No sense of holding grudges right? HAHA
My grandmother, Grandma, and great grandmother, Granny B, are some special people. They certainly love talking smack on everyone. I do mean everyone. Family is included. I have never done this before, I do feel childish, but may I use my right to vent? These two women are bitches.

I said it. I said it. Bitches.

I have so many stories to tell from since I was a child. That is all too much for me to really type. I am afraid I will bore the hell out of people. I am cutting the bullshit. They have lost respect from me after 21 years. I have never felt so shitty. I wish I could respect them just like I did before. Bite my lip, take the ass chewing (even if I am innocent), and move along with my business. Mind my P's and Q's.

Not this time though. Having these two women live in the same house is a nightmare. When I wake up, all I ever want to do is sit some where in peace. RELAX. I have some tendencies of taking my dog and I out and about. We won't come back home till about 12 at night when everyone is in bed. My step grandfather, God Bless is Soul!, he knows enough to leave me be if they haven't heard a word from me since I walked out the door for whatever reason. My father? Same way. He's my best friend really. He knows me better than anyone else I know. He can know what's wrong without even asking. Seriously, I have never noticed but if something in particular is bothering me I tend to have the luck of how my life miraculously finds ways to remind me of what's been going on. Such as, my pregnancy. No matter where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing I would have seen a baby picture, or anything relating to pregnancy.

I am so dang tired of this shit. I have a sense of feeling that it is now time to move, but I have guilt wash over me. I haven't figured out why.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


Have you seen those people where when you talk to them it's usually the same thing over and over and over?

For instance.

Young, Caucasian, Male. Has two kids, twins. The mother is supposedly a bitch and has taken the kids away from him. He can't stay in a residence for more than 3 months along with a job.
Now, he makes multiple comments of how he misses his kids, their mother is a whore, women are terrible, and falls 'in love' with every girl that brings him any attention. Might I also add that I personally know him and he became a liar within 5 minutes of me meeting him. Ever since I have talked and watched him. He has kept himself within a cycle. This man/ guy/ boy takes advice as criticism. Of course, I don't advise him to do anything to help his situation that he's in. Why? For the simple fact of someone like him who can't take a hand when he needs help. I can't help but wonder of why that is. He makes multiple of goals and plans. Never sticks to them to help his situation.

He's like a Drama Queen. I haven't seen such behavior since high school.

I am only telling you all this for the mere fact of... These are the kind of people that I see that are growing.

I see people that are ill educated. Now it does bother me to see and ask who first signed the Constitution. Mind you these people are staring at me dumbfounded! History has made mistakes for us to learn from them. If we repeat the mistake... Well, in my book that's considered a fuck up.

Yes! Love your kids. Yes! Vent sometimes. Yes! Feeling sad and angry is ok.

It's all in the matter of how you do so! If you love your kids so much... Don't squeeze them to death. Go ahead and vent, but don't take your anger and frustration out on someone who doesn't deserve it or vent so much that it starts sounding like whining. Be sad and angry, just don't let it out by cutting, starting fights, revenge.

After a thought or two. People are a product of their environment, but are given choices. People can be from a ran down neighborhood where there were gangs shooting up the block, but they sometimes grow up. They're now in college and working a full time job. They've earned scholarships. They've acquired friends that are just as ambitious. Sometimes, those people are running a gang themselves. Been arrested a few times and doing/ dealing drugs.

Everyone in one way, have been given experiences. There's no order to how we experience them. Sometimes we like to think we do. It's all just guide lines really. Sometimes those experiences can be either in third person, second hand, or maybe first handed. Either way we are faced with challenges, in one aspect or another. It's all in the matter of what do we decide on.

Our choices.


Making a quick post.

I am sick. Awesome right? *sarcasm* Luckily my ex has been such a HUGE help! I am very grateful to have him around again. He does a lot of things for me and he has done a lot of things for me. Most of them I never ask. He just does it. Lucky? Yes I am. Except for why he left me in the first place. Ugh. Yet you never know what you have until it's gone. Well I made it very abundantly clear that I wasn't going to come back for awhile after that reason of why he left me.

"He didn't care about me."

That was the reason. He gave me a call, because at the time I was in Denver. I was so close of just staying there. Any ways, he had sounded so worried and scared. Me being me, I tend to keep things light, simple, with no argumentation. Especially over a phone with an ex. Be an adult. Let's not act like we are back in high school again. He finally grew a pair and simply asked me:

"Did I fuck it up so bad that I can't have you back?"

This is the part that I asked him if he's sure he wants me back. Absolutely positive.


He said that without missing a beat.

Then I dropped the bomb on him.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I've Been Thinking

Here goes.

I have had a few boyfriends. They all, so far, have ended up me breaking up with them or vise versa. Either way. I had something brought to my attention. They have all came back, whether or not I left them.


If I am worth it, then why can't the guy stay with me the FIRST time?

Is that so damn hard? Does a guy really have to lose me to see what they had?

Heart breaks. Tears. Time Alone. My Favorite Movies. My Favorite Foods. Sweatpants.

Ya know? The whole shin dig of a typical young female going through a heart break.

I have only loved one guy. Not any kind of love, but that unconditional love. The stuff that comes in limited time only or more like finding a unicorn through a forest. I loved this man so much that when he wanted to leave, I found it in myself to let go and be there for when he ever came back. Sure 'nuff. He came back. We were happier than ever before. Of course this fairytale of mine had to end with finding out he cheated on me and lied. Once again, I loved him so much that I didn't want him to hang onto something that wasn't there. I couldn't trust him any more. The trust was completely gone, but some how I found to love him still. I was able to forgive in some sort of fashion. I left him.

It has been two years since all of that has happened. When I talk to him. He acts as if I am going to come back. Yet I don't think I love him that way any more. Actually, thinking about him makes me gag. Scratch that. Every guy has been making want to gag.

No offense to the other men that have done me no harm. I am a young, female, who has been knocked up. Men haven't been the greatest to me through this pregnancy so far. Except for my ex.... Kind of.

He's the baby's padre. I told him after he told me that he wanted me back.

A lot of people told me to tell him a long time ago. I was pretty convinced that if the guy doesn't care about me then, why would he care about me now? I didn't want to be one of those mom's where the baby's dad was unhappy with what's going on. I don't want him to feel as if he's "stuck." That kind of stress and relationship wouldn't be a good example for the little one to stand by. I didn't want that for the baby to feel as if it's their fault why dad isn't happy either. I certainly was not going to bad mouth their dad. I believe that when the day comes, the little one should make their OWN opinion of their dad. Not be based off of things that he has done to me. I want to give my ex the opportunity of being a good dad.

My parents taught me that. Which I am grateful for. I have seen many kids have so much anger inside of them from their parents dogging on each other and it's all a great big mess. The kids usually feel as if a side of them is bad because their dad is a prick or their mom is a whore.

I am proud to say I have made my own opinion of my mom. Even if she did leave me, it was for the better. I no longer saw my parents be unhappy, I no longer saw my mom's tears fall, or saw my dad's temper burst like a wild fire. I got to see them happy. With or without me. I saw my mother love and her heart break which taught me something. She did love again. I have seen the same for my dad. I have been with my dad through so many hardships, happy moments. He's taught me a lot of how to be happy. Where money is just something that is in a way of life. To have a roof over your head, food, water. Yet money can't always buy the happiest of moments.

My dad gave me money for my birthday. I saw a pretty kewl Barbie, yet I wanted to learn how to make friendship bracelets. My dad helped me out with my decision.

"You can either have one barbie doll or you can have 30 bracelets that you have personally made all by yourself. You can even give your friends bracelets."

I chose the bracelet idea. Michaels became my store of choosing. If they sold groceries there... I would be happy as ever could be. Dad and I spent a lot of moments just sitting out by a fire, making some pretty damn kewl friendship bracelets.

Off to go settle myself down to watch my show and make some.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


With my new addition of my family, I haven't really gotten a clue as to where to start with myself. My family has no idea about the little one. My family still are stuck in that void that I am 16, yet here I am, standing tall with the age of being 20. Close to 21.

At first. I thought.

I am not doing this alone. I GOT THIS! I have my sister and my damn good friends. Yet after a month of this baby and them...

I felt more alone than I have ever really acknowledged. I try to give my friends the chance to try to understand, but I still feel that they haven't gotten the grasp. I noticed that when we try to talk, it sounds as if they are against me. I get lost for words when I try to talk to them about it, because they aren't helping me out and it breaks my heart to even be fighting with them.

All they question about still is and tell me that:

It's a big responsibility.
Have you understood that you are pregnant?
Do you plan on keeping the baby?
I don't think you should keep it.
You are starting to sound like you're going to try to keep it.

I feel like I am getting treated as a child. I already despise the place that I call home and now I am beginning to just shut myself off from everyone, because I am trying to have them understand where I am at and what I am thinking, but they stand over me as if they know what exactly I am feeling and thinking. Everything they say is right and I am wrong. Anything that I am doing is wrong. I do understand I have a big responsibility coming on. I have told them countless of times. All of it comes at me so fast. I am left dumbfounded. As if I know nothing of myself or my own ideas of what I even want or believe in. Something pulled ME out, leaving my body as if it was a stuffed little 'Keiko.' A dumb. Pregnant. Keiko.

With this going on, pasting a smile on my face for a family who doesn't understand the true meaning of family, behaving as if I am a child to a father who loses their temper, putting on a front of being strong for my friends.

Closed doors. Blinds shut. No one around and gone. I cry. I don't feel a bit sorry for myself. Not even a little. I just am emotionally exhausted from all the crap. I have tears full of wishful thinking and tears full of 'never going to happen.'

Plans have never been in my favor.

I am not trying to get myself to feel alone. I am more looking for someone that understands. Knows the feeling where you know you are not alone, but when it comes to having a complete understanding heart... where is that? Where do I even begin to proceed with myself? I am also trying to stay down low with the family.

Go to the doctors? Start putting a list together of baby shin digs? Baby names? How do I decide on whether to keep it or not? Is it too late? Am I going at this all wrong? Where can I go? How am I going to tell my family? When should I tell them? What if my boyfriend wants me back, even if he doesn't know about the baby yet? What am I suppose to do when I feel that I am going to have a miscarriage? Is that even normal? Am I just having strange nightmares?

Where am I?

Besides laying in bed and craving the hell out of pudding. Chocolate and vanilla pudding. Thank you Jello for mixing my favorites together.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Back Again

The past month has been nothing but travesty. It was one thing after another. For example...

I lost my best friend's daughter. I finally had made way to get her to move up with me, but I thought that as soon as she got up here she would be enrolled through school. This year was her Christmas with me. I thought she should go visit her grandparents and uncle. Well her uncle picked her up from the airport and on their way to the grandparents house... They got hit by a drunk driver. Killed my baby Angel and put her uncle into a coma. It's been a month now since it had happened.

A week later... My boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because he doesn't care about me.

After that, I had found out.... I am pregnant. With his baby.

Later I had to rush up north for my grandfather. He had cancer, again. As soon as I got there I had to rush him to the hospital. Luckily we found out what had gone wrong. He had to stay in the hospital for a little while. After rushing him to the hospital, I went back to the house. It was about six in the morning. I found his dog, Sable, acting funny. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. I had to force water and food down her. She finally settled down about seven in the morning. I fell asleep beside her for an hour. I got up and had let her out. Everything was fine. Within the few moments I had gone upstairs to blow dry my hair from the shower, she had died. I found her near where my grandfather would sit at the table. There was blood all over the floor. All I could do was drop to my knees and cry. I knew how much this dog had meant to my grandpa. Trying to find a way to tell him just broke my heart even more.

AFTER THAT! I found out that I was too late to apply for classes. I might not be able to go to college this spring semester.

Now. I am sitting here. Looking pale as a ghost because I feel sick ALL THE TIME! I can;t get up without feeling "I gotta puke."