Where?

With my new addition of my family, I haven't really gotten a clue as to where to start with myself. My family has no idea about the little one. My family still are stuck in that void that I am 16, yet here I am, standing tall with the age of being 20. Close to 21.

At first. I thought.

I am not doing this alone. I GOT THIS! I have my sister and my damn good friends. Yet after a month of this baby and them...

I felt more alone than I have ever really acknowledged. I try to give my friends the chance to try to understand, but I still feel that they haven't gotten the grasp. I noticed that when we try to talk, it sounds as if they are against me. I get lost for words when I try to talk to them about it, because they aren't helping me out and it breaks my heart to even be fighting with them.

All they question about still is and tell me that:

It's a big responsibility.
Have you understood that you are pregnant?
Do you plan on keeping the baby?
I don't think you should keep it.
You are starting to sound like you're going to try to keep it.

I feel like I am getting treated as a child. I already despise the place that I call home and now I am beginning to just shut myself off from everyone, because I am trying to have them understand where I am at and what I am thinking, but they stand over me as if they know what exactly I am feeling and thinking. Everything they say is right and I am wrong. Anything that I am doing is wrong. I do understand I have a big responsibility coming on. I have told them countless of times. All of it comes at me so fast. I am left dumbfounded. As if I know nothing of myself or my own ideas of what I even want or believe in. Something pulled ME out, leaving my body as if it was a stuffed little 'Keiko.' A dumb. Pregnant. Keiko.

With this going on, pasting a smile on my face for a family who doesn't understand the true meaning of family, behaving as if I am a child to a father who loses their temper, putting on a front of being strong for my friends.

Closed doors. Blinds shut. No one around and gone. I cry. I don't feel a bit sorry for myself. Not even a little. I just am emotionally exhausted from all the crap. I have tears full of wishful thinking and tears full of 'never going to happen.'

Plans have never been in my favor.

I am not trying to get myself to feel alone. I am more looking for someone that understands. Knows the feeling where you know you are not alone, but when it comes to having a complete understanding heart... where is that? Where do I even begin to proceed with myself? I am also trying to stay down low with the family.

Go to the doctors? Start putting a list together of baby shin digs? Baby names? How do I decide on whether to keep it or not? Is it too late? Am I going at this all wrong? Where can I go? How am I going to tell my family? When should I tell them? What if my boyfriend wants me back, even if he doesn't know about the baby yet? What am I suppose to do when I feel that I am going to have a miscarriage? Is that even normal? Am I just having strange nightmares?

Where am I?

Besides laying in bed and craving the hell out of pudding. Chocolate and vanilla pudding. Thank you Jello for mixing my favorites together.